My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Everyone’s family
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Left at a local drug store…
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys