person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena