You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.