Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost