Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris