Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Ape together strong
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.