“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.