Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.