*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
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An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder