HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
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Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?