when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”