“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound