Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.