My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.