Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem