Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.