I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
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My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.