Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Well, that should do it
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
This makes total sense…
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
buys donuts instead
lol
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)