I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?