“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.