My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I have no passwords left in me
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.