Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
You Might Also Like
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.