My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
good morning
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Big Sex has us all fooled
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.