*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It鈥檚 like he stood there and thought about it.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I鈥檓 gonna get what鈥檚 coming to me
mob boss: that鈥檚 not what I-
me: it鈥檚 my birthday
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Husband: I鈥檓 going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they鈥檙e chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
馃檲 See no evil.
馃檳 Hear no evil.
馃檴 Monkey beat-boxing
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now