Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Worst perfume name ever.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra