me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
wow
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing