Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
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Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.