Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I can fix him.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.