My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Good dog. ❤️
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad