Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
men are simple creatures
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.