I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true