Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway