“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.