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In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
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