[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
new wife guy just dropped
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.