“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
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“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.