[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Life hack
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps