Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.