Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You Might Also Like
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”