Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.