My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Coffee is ready.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.