Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*