no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go