A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
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My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Covid like
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms