My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
this chia pet tastes awful
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.