I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?