WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
When I said I liked it rough.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did