The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.