Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
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Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Hotels are back
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.