*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
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Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
🙅🏻
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.